Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
