Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
