Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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