Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I was not drunk enough for that final.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
