Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
