It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
did i just pee glitter
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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