tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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