WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
