Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Who wears a wallet chain?!
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
