Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
