How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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