i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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