I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
