I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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