i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
