How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
