I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My bed smells like the plague
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
