I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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