I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
