i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Damn victory sex feels great
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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