does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
