I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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