i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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