You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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