Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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