i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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