Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
