So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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