Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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