my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
