Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
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Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
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I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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