If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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