his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
