i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
