hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
