dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
