I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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