Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
