Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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