I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
