Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
