guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
