I wish I could punch you in the face.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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