don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
