I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
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That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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