either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
