I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
