some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
