Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
