my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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