Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
