she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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