I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
