in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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