I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
two words...techno handjob
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
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