you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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