I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
